Initially, it appears to be love. He is charming. Consistently generous and always present. He recalls your coffee preference, pays attention to your narratives, and appears to empathize with your struggles. He informs you that you are the sole person who comprehends him. However, as the relationship progresses, the affection begins to diminish. He grows more remote, guarded, and erratic. You make greater efforts to reestablish connection. You ponder: perhaps it's my fault.
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This cycle of showing affection and then pulling away is frequently misinterpreted as the normal ups and downs of close relationships. In reality, it may represent a type ofcoercive control: a conscious alteration of emotional bonds meant to ensnare instead of foster connection.
For many years, individuals who remained in abusive relationships have been described by some as codependent or masochistic—held responsible for the abuse and questioned: "Why didn't you just leave?" Mynew researchwith colleague Loraine Gelsthorpe, featured in the journalViolence Against Women, contests this obsolete perspective.
We carried out detailed conversations with 18 female individuals who have experienced abuse, and identified a mental "strategy guide"—a collection of common techniques employed to build trust, form emotional bonds, and subsequently leverage that connection as a tool for domination.
Several women I spoke with discussed their histories of past trauma (commonly involving childhood neglect, abuse, or loss) and noted that their abusers often had comparable backgrounds. Those who survived these situations mentioned feeling profoundly recognized or "comprehended" by someone who had experienced similar suffering.
The individuals involved utilized this bond to establish a feeling of intimacy and strong emotions at the beginning of the relationship, but eventually exploited it against their victims. Personal revelations were transformed into tools of harm—repeated during conflicts, ridiculed in public, or used to defend the abuser's actions.
The study shows that "trauma bonding"is not always a passive reaction, but instead, an attachment that is deliberately created by abusers through grooming, sharing traumatic experiences, and manipulation—a method of maintaining control.
In our study, we identified a common pattern where survivors referred to the "two-faced soulmate": an abuser who seems profoundly affectionate and spiritual, while hiding control under a facade of kindness.
The women exhibited patterns of erratic behavior: affection followed by abrupt distancing, harsh words tempered by brief displays of kindness.
Similar to a slot machine, the abuser provides unpredictable rewards like an unexpected apology, a heartfelt message, or a moment of charm—just enough to maintain the victim's emotional attachment. Those who have experienced this cycle found it frustrating: they couldn't predict when affection would arrive, yet they continued to hope for it.
This is what behavioral science refers to asintermittent reinforcement, an effective method to shape actions. When incentives are scarce and uncertain, the brain does not stop, but instead longs for more and works even harder.
The connection that develops is not illogical, but rather supported by neurological processes. That desire, that uncertainty, turns into the abuser's method. They don't have to apply force. The pattern of rewards accomplishes it on their behalf.
An emerging type of regulation
In England and Wales, instances of reported domestic abuse have reached an all-time high. During the year ending March 2024, 2.3 million adultsexperienced domestic abuse—6.6% of women and 3% of men. Although many types of crime are decreasing, reported violence against women has increased bymore than a third since 2018.
Reports of psychological abuse have also risen. In England and Wales, the police have documented45,310 offensesincidents of coercive or controlling behavior during the fiscal year ending March 2024—increasing from 17,616 in 2017.
These actions involve not physical aggression, but rather control through surveillance, manipulation, separation, and management of the victim's daily routines.Research showsthat controlling behavior is increasingly reported compared to physical or sexual abuse in various situations, and frequently serves as the main method of trapping someone.
In our research, every participant mentioned facing psychological abuse, while most also recounted instances of physical violence. Nevertheless, emotional control was not merely another type of harm—it served as the entry point to subsequent physical abuse.
The bond formed through grooming, praise, and sharing traumatic experiences led to a reliance that made future physical violence more manageable to ignore, deny, or tolerate.
Detecting invisible abuse
Every individual involved in our research was financially self-sufficient, resided apart from their abusers, and did not encounter direct threats. However, they expressed experiencing emotional entrapment—struggling to exit the relationship due to overwhelming guilt, fear, or uncertainty.
Coercive control in relationships is not always evident—it may include minor changes in tone, actions, and emotional instability. Conventionalrisk assessment toolsPolice tools are not created to identify these more subtle interactions and frequently do not recognize coercive behaviors if there has been no recent physical aggression.
The anguish experienced by survivors might be wrongly seen as personal shortcomings—such as "attachment problems," "weak boundaries," or "emotional instability"—thereby redirecting attention from his methods of control to her mental state. Those involved mentioned feeling ignored by therapists, friends, and experts, or being told that their reactions were exaggerated or indicators of emotional weakness, rather than reasonable responses to ongoing manipulation.
Organizations supporting survivors require a more comprehensive understanding of abuse, incorporating the psychological strategies discussed in this study. Indicators such as emotional pressure, abrupt changes in mood, or manipulative expressions of vulnerability are not "gentle" or less important—they are key methods abusers use to exert control.
This type of conduct is frequently overlooked since it does not result in visible marks—however, it creates the emotional foundation that holds survivors in place.
If organizations keep defining coercion solely by overt threats or physical force, they will overlook its most subtle and dangerous type: control that is structured to appear as affection.
This piece is reprinted fromThe Conversationunder a Creative Commons license. Read theoriginal article.
Provided by The Conversation
This narrative was first released onHealthy urvival.